Friday, 15 November 2013

Throughout my life, all I ever did was fall...

My mind, once bright, falls into the pits of everlasting hell. 

Right there before me is the face of a monster. That which is so grotesque in nature that I am appalled to even glance at it further. But I hold its gaze. No turning, I fear I cannot.

Whichever way I move, it follows. Whatever sound I make, it repeats. And again and again through days end.

Yet it always feels as night. A bubbling cloak that one cannot shed; no matter the amount of light that's spread.

I realize it wouldn't matter. There are shadows even under the sun.

And then this beast begins to look familiar, and it would seem that I have become familiar to it.

Never mind, ignore it.

Years later and it is the same thing. It is now that it feels like the beast has burdened my shoulders with steadfast weights. And I am stuck in it, but all I can ever see is the beast. 

When it is that I try my hardest to escape, it feels that this prison holds me tightest. And in this moment, despite the beasts presence, I am alone. And it is this that makes the fight unbearable, and perhaps this is why I feel like shattered glass.

A few years later and I realize that the beast is me. 

But, how do you escape yourself?


...A few years later...

And what have I become?






<~~~~~~>

So, ya. I guess I posted this story here because I feel safer doing so. I've been suffering with depression for years now. And it's why I'm not on much. I don't really write anymore, and I don't really read. I've stopped caring about so many things. I mean, I was suicidal at one point in my life, but I never stopped caring about the things I've always held closest to my heart. And the there is the fact that I hate myself more often then not, and I hate everything I do. I guess I'm posting this because I finally decided to get help. Because I'm tired, and I've realized that I can't fix myself. Even the mightiest fall, but I was never strong to begin with. So hopefully therapy works, because god knows I need it.

Blessed be,
Miss Mary Hiashi

P.S. Sorry for the depressing post. My apologies!

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Old-Timers... Go Back to Blogland

Blogland needs you, my friends.
I miss you.
I miss ALL of the old-timers, and I would just.... LOVE to see you in Blogland again.

Besides, showing up and chatting like you own the place is exceedingly enjoyable :}

I know, I know, everyone is strange and new. I think every time I go to Blogland now-a-days I meet someone new, but hey, meeting someone new eliminates a strange new person to meet. Plus, if we all go back, even it's slowly, even it's once-a-month or less, we'll find each other.

Don't feel like it's useless. Even if you can only hang out for ten minutes, GO. Chat for ten minutes, then leave if you must. Don't disappear forever. Nothing is worth losing your friends because you're just so busy. If you try, I know you can make a little time. :D

Please come back. :]
I love you guys, and Dereksville Blogland desperately needs your crazy, brilliant, fun, adorable, creative awesome-sauce and epica spontaneity!

When you read this, post it on your own blogs [re-awaken the magic of them!] or email it to a friend from Blogland you haven't spoken with for who-knows-how-long.
Let's rekindle the old-timers.
Let's rekindle our own, special place again.
I miss it, and I desperately miss you.

~hugs a million times over~

I hope I see you soon!!!! :D

Sunday, 30 December 2012

The Ungreat Mortal Who Should Be Forgotten


I spent the morning praying desperately to God to keep my parents away from me; if he could, to please keep my parents away from me forever.

He answered with a no. I knew this as soon as I heard my parents coming up the driveway. Dread filled me as I got up and braced myself. What would I endure from them today? I did not go to church today so they already had ammunition. It was because I had not been feeling well. But they never were interested in that. Whenever they got home it would be more important for them to know if I did anything today. It was the first thing they would ask in their hard cross cold way. Usually I am at a loss for words and very hesitant around them, feeling wounded and guilty, and confused, so they then plow on without waiting for an answer to even that first question which was like firing a gun off at me. Assumptions fall and are like bombs dropping suddenly on me, one after another and I am ripped away before they have been home for 60 seconds.  Before I would be all apologetic for just existing and trying to placate them as I followed them around only to be cut off and thrown harsh commands then beat down with still more words as they pick apart all that has not been done, ignoring what has been done then claiming what has been done has not been done. I am nothing I am a disgrace and a shame to the family.

My welfare is never talked about. If it is then it is a complaint and treated with impatience accusations. No one else is ever sick! No one else is blah blah blah! (But they are and they are validated and never have to stand alone)

There is so much more that has hurt me, that does not make sense. Now the only avenue to deal with this is to get put on medication by a doctor.

Why can’t they just do what they play at when at Church and Church functions? Why can’t they just admit when they are wrong and horribly wrong, jerks, and be sorry and start to be kind and nice and honest and not controlling manipulative overbearing, controlling over micro managing,  disrespectful hypocritical, demeaning people! Because I am an easy target and nothing but a scape goat.

I have long since given up on trying to get them to love me and see me for what I really am. It’s such hard work and to fail every time is disheartening. It took me a long time to see that when they did this that it was not my fault. I am just unlovely so I must be punished. I wish I was lovely and smart and talented and strong then they could love me too and everyone else. I know I wanted to enjoy them and I gave to them and others what little I had. I wanted to respect and honor them. And I did, and still respect them as it is my duty. I just wish that that even could be honored. I wish I didn’t have to respect people who did nothing to me that was respectful or kind or fair or good; not based on what I have been taught by school, church.

I have been shown over and over that the good I do is really nothing it’s to be ignored and has been. I have tried talking to others and sometimes it seems that I am being listened too and actually believed. But then it is reveled to me that they really think it is only me; that I am being oversensitive. At first I believed this too and had to carry even more weight of not being right in the head, that even my makeup of who I am, my personality was somehow off rather than for the real problem to be addressed. Yet, if that were so, would it not then be consistent in everything? Then I would be off in my thinking with everything else too. Yet I can recall so many instances when I was finding in my heart and mind agreeing with people when they shared how they felt after an experience and I could relate.

I can’t even go on in this subject for the mind twisting that has been put forth onto me even as a young child: a young child vulnerable who was so willing to trust and believe those put over her and had to endure such severe mind twisting, overwhelmed, alarmed, feeling a sense of urgent loss, that something is being ripped form her and something awful is being put on her, not able to understand or identified or know but unable to comprehend anymore and her mind short circuiting, because it must be her fault right? It can’t be that they are wrong. If they are wrong in what they said then that means that is how much they hate her, to do that to her. But what she cannot face that, even if that were true, that she was deserving of that, then she is indeed a monster not deserving any kindness or love at all anyway. Instead the little girl, in a fight for survival, buries the huge pain that has come crushing down to the very most inner parts of her soul and distracts herself quickly, looking for anything to take her away from the pain. It takes a bit as sobs from the very depths of her soul are being stifled and she sees her parents looking satisfied in her pain and vindicated at what they did, and knows from experience they will needle her some more if she does not hurry and stifle the tears of the deep soul pain that ripped her appear once again.

If she is lucky she will no longer be screamed at by not just one or two towering adults who in their power and extreme hardness with hate that beams from their faces and burn worse than fire when directed at her as they continue to run over her with false accusations making her wear and be those terrible things they rushed to believed themselves without ever stopping to consider the facts or remember.

It is all waved away so easily by more condescending adults who play at compassion and play church and other little games.

I can’t even begin to mention anymore the fear of being hit or slapped or the threats of that.

I am having such trouble existing now. It is so hard. I am tired. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

So now here I am once again filled with such tenseness, wary of those who were supposed to protect, guide, comfort, help me, discipline me fairly, who did anything but that and wondering, what will I have to bare next? Why won’t God help me?

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Hello, my name Isn't Ishmael

I think when I write a letter, I'll start it with something like "BOOM-SHAKKA-LAKKA!"
To gain the reader's attention.
:3

Did it work? Yes?
Good!

Hello, Israel, Kallista, Mary, Alexander, Lizzy, Octa, and Lenka.

To be honest, I didn't know where I was going when I began this by typing out the title, which popped into my head for um, no apparent reason. :P

But now I have some clue.

To be honest, I began it because it's been waaaay too long since anyone's posted here, and just showing up brought back Awesome memories! Remember how we were just chatting on Hell's blog when we made it? Remember how excitedly we talked about what we would post? THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

Why are those moments so rare these days?
~shrugs~
I don't know. Do you?

Well, I think it's partially because of chats and partially because of evil people [which can't be helped], but to be honest, I LOVED chatting on the blogs. I still do, but it's so rare nowadays since chats are so much easier to chat on, and because they allow much more time to do side things... Because we're rarely fully paying attention to our friends.

Anyway, yes, I understand we all have excuses, and I know we can't Really go back to the old days. But you know what you can do? YOU CAN HAVE FUN AND RUB OFF ONO EVERYONE ELSE!! Having fun is fuuuuunnn 8]
Partially it's writing stories and posting randomly for no good reason! After all, it's utterly fun! ;]
But otherwise it's being so excited to get online so you can talk to these people so far away!
That's epica!
TALKING TO PEOPLE WHO LOVE SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT LIKE I DO! YESSSSSSSSSS! ~fistpumps~ EPICA! meaning even MORE than epic!
And Derek Landy's blog! Where I would go and so things like "Oh, GREAT Derek Landy! If you grace me with your... eyes... by reading this..." lol.

I still love Derek, and I still love y'all. 8]

I won't ever stop either because you... You gave me the world. Literally!  I'm not just quoting "While You Were Sleeping" [and you haven't seen that movie, YOU NEED TO! RIGHT NOW!]


ALSO
BE AMAZING!
BECAUSE YOU ALREADY ARE!




And very, very silly, of course. 8-P
That's the best part of being amazing!





DON'T WORRY! That date has passed! You won't be fined ;]




YEAH! IT'S BAD FOR THE ANIMALS!
Oh, and probably you too... Just saying.... ~shifty eyes~




Friday, 13 July 2012

New Blog url

Hey guys, i changed the url of my blog yesterday thinking it would be harmless...
Blogger messed around and screwed me up.

Anyways the new url is:
cacophonicthoughts.blogspot.com

I think you may have to put that into your follow-list-thingy-whatever and get rid of the old one :S

Anyways guys, if you haven't already, check out the preview to a new piece of writing that i've started and leave me a comment with what you think :)

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Hello

Hi, guys!
Terribly sorry I haven't come or commented here for a really long time!
I have lots of excuses, but excuses are boring... Don't you agree? :P

But, hey, I've been noticing something. See, I was going through the list of blogs I follow in order to clean it up just a little, [mainly to delete a couple of unwelcome blogs that sneaked... unwelcomely into my blog followers list] and when I clicked on a blog to see whose it was or to see the latest post, it seems just about everybody hasn't posted anything since June-December of last year O_o
What on earth??
What happened last year around that time to make everybody so suddenly disappear [without my permission too!]?

I miss them.

I wish they would come back.

It's fun here, right?
What changed that made them all leave?
There are SO many people I haven't seen or spoken to for ages!
Some of which, for example, are Ann Marie, Alexander Necros, Lenka Sweet, Everisse Eterna, Nyx Dawn, Ghost Writer, Pandora, Jaffa Morbid, Rubescent Sunshine, Geckogirl [A.K.A. Skulgirl or Skylara Wolfsbane], Evangeline Crow, Crescent, Vivianna Spark, Rachel, Leo, Sarthacus Bolt, Chanoro Flashfreeze, Quinnera Elviana, Blood Butterflies, and Florence Black and Nicolette Croga and ThatLakinsonGuy [the last three I have seen once or twice as of late]. Also Mary Hiashi, I know you post here sometimes, but we miss you! You should come on more :]

That's... that's a lot of people, and I may not have even mentioned all of them.

What happened?
I mean, sure, sometimes people just get too busy to come online, but are they really all THAT busy for THAT many months? They could at least stop by or pop in every now and then.
I would like that.

And by the way, not only that, but a BUNCH of blogs I clicked on said something like, "This blog was deleted." or "This blog no longer exists." or "There is no blog called-"

Have people been deleting their blogs?

:(

I want my friends to come back!

Sunday, 19 February 2012

No Faces Are the Step Towards New Faces

So you know my blog? The Blogs of a Girl With Every Name but Her Own? I oh so ceremoniously (lies!) deleted it. It is no more. I now have a new one. Fresh out of cyberspace. I do hope to see you there, and maybe we can have a cup of tea sometime this side of nowhere. (That didn't really make sense).

My new blog is called Purge and the URL is:

http://www.missmaryhiashi.blogspot.com/

Blessed be,
Miss Mary Hiashi

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Anime, Coughing, and Potato Cakes (Otherwise known as Lefse)

(Coughing, because I keep doing so, and lefse because, well...*shrugs*).

So yes, I'm raving about. It's related to monkeying about, but the dictionary states that it is more annoying, and more harmful. Mentally. Anywho, I'm just going to do a completely random post on animes that I would highly recommend.

First off we'll start with the movies...


*Ponyo- Ponyo is a VERY cute movie that is about the friendship between a young boy (5 years old) and a goldfish princess who only wants to become human (and eat ham). It's a Miyazaki film, so you know it's good. Here be ye olde trailer:



*Spirited Away- ...Another Miyazaki film. This movie is about a young girl named Chihiro who gets stuck in a spirit world during her family's move to a new home. She meets a boy named Haku, and has to work in a bathhouse in order to save her parents and return home.



*The Girl Who Leapt Through Time- This is a very funny movie about a girl who gains the power to leap through time, hence the title.



*5 Centimetres Per Second- I'm not going to lie, this movie was a little strange, but I think I liked it. It's a romance type and is about a boy who doesn't stop loving a girl even after moving to different towns and many years going by. It's kind of sad.


This next video isn't a trailer but I love the song and it really fits. The lyrics are included...Which is only helpful if you know your romaji.



*Bleach: Memories of Nobody- The other Bleach movies were okay in my opinion, but this was the best. It was basically about a girl name Senna showing up, with no memories. Weird occurences afoot. And chickens.



I hate the voice announcment...talk-y people. I really do.


*Fullmetal Alchemist: Conquerors of Shamballa- It's about Ed trying to get back home to Amestris from the other side of the Gate. Takes place, mostly, in Germany in the 20's.




*Naruto Shippuden: The First Movie- It was good. The others were just meh. Naruto is a good anime...Although it has a tendency to Rick Roll you with fillers.





Umm....I can't think of any other movies...So on to different series.

*Fullmetal Alchemist: This is seriously my favourite anime of all time. It is amazing in so many ways. It follows the adventures of Edward and Alphonse Elric as they try to reclaim the things they have lost. It's sad, funny, amazing, and just the best thing ever. Of all time.




*Black Butler- This follows the young Earl, Ciel Phantomhive, on his quest for vengeance for the murder of his parents. It is dark and not recommended for younger children.


I had half the mind to give you the French trailer...

*Deadman Wonderland- Also not recommended for young children. This one is about a young boy, Ganta Igarashi, being accused of the murder of his entire class and being sent to a privately owned prison called Deadman Wonderland. It is both a prison and amusement park, and their rules are generally both harsh and inhumane.



*Death Note- Wow...It's been awhile... Death Note is about a man named Light Yagami who recieves a Death Note from the Shinigami Ryuk. He uses it to kills those that he feels should die, and L Lawliet is then hired to solve the case and take down Kira (Light's publically known name) before it's too late.



*Naruto- Naruto really is a good anime...even if it drags on sometimes. It does get really sad, you've been warned.



*Bleach- I loves Bleach. Although it's starting to drag on now. Just saying. It's about Ichigo Kurosaki. He gains Shinigami powers and fights people. Stuff happens, he wins, and people are happy. Except for Kenny. Because Ichigo never wants to fight him. Kenny and Crow (from Deadman Wonderland) are very similar...



*Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood: Still Ed and Al trying to reclaim what they've lost but this is a completely different story from the first series. I like this one as well but not as much. (And yes there have been some voice changes).


I think that that's it.

Watch them. It'll be good for you.

Blessed be,
Miss Mary Hiashi

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Tiny Piggies and Spleen Juice

On the off note, I hate Elephant Ears. I used to eat them when I was little. We'd get them every time we went to Canada's Wonderland and when we went to fairs. I can't eat them now, even the smell makes me feel sick. So, alas, I have not had one for years. Same thing with funnel cakes. Totens (I'm not sure how you spell it exactly) are still okay though...Probably because their is a lack of sugar...

I really have no idea why I'm rambling on about food but...Poutine is awesome sauce incarnate. If you've never had it before make some. I'll give you the recipe. Ready? Gather some straight cut fries, cheese curds, and gravy. Cook the fries and make gravy. Place fries in bowl (or on a plate). Put cheese curds on top of fries. Pour gravy over cheese curds and fries. Eat and enjoy. There you have it. And here is a picture:



Creme Brulee is also delicious:



Crepes:



You've probably seen those before...And eaten them. I beg pardon but I'm bored...and slightly tired. I'm not sure why I won't just go to sleep, but...


So, on to other things. This week we dissected piglets in Biology class. This is what the little piggies looked like (not my pictures mind you):






We (my group) had a female pig. I named her Mary Shelley. It was appropriate, or at least I thought so. We didn't end up opening her mouth as wide as the pictures though. By the way, the smell was worse on day two. The first day wasn't that bad, the second day wasn't horrible either...it was just slightly worse.

So we basically cut her open on day one,  and gutted her on day two. We had to at the very least cut out the  small intestine to measure how long it was (roughly 3m), but we took out the other bits to get a better look. (The lungs and heart are very interesting).

The pigs had a tendency to, well, squirt juices and stuff when you'd cut some places and try to open them. My one partner got what I'm dubbing as spleen juice in his eye. "Twas very funny indeed.


This week they also cancelled one of my classes so now I'm going to be taking sociology next month. That should be interesting.


Now I'm going to put up scenes from some of my favourite stuff...

Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler) AMV (Sums up the "feel" of the show):


Fullmetal Alchemist:





I love FMA...



Hmm...

Blessed be,
Miss Mary Hiashi

Saturday, 7 January 2012

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

I'M IN A CAPITAL LETTERS MOOD
(I'M SORRY)


.
..
.




LAST TIME I CHECKED


I WAS PRETTY SURE






THAT WE WERE ALL, OR MOSTLY






WRITERS!




Get out that pad and pen! That Word document that hasn't been touched for, and I swear, a WHOLE DAMN MONTH, and write! Write faster than that measly breeze outside, and faster than Springheeled Jack on the roofs of several flat buildings in London!
Don't write too fast though, or else I won't be able to keep up xD


I'm not asking a lot! I'm asking for the thing that most of you have been doing and enjoying for a very long time- writing your fanfictions! Your novellas! Your beautiful, beautiful poetry.


And things were going perfectly cool like that, and everything was fine, and then suddenly we stopped xD 


I know you've got a tonne of things going on in your life, and I know that chat can be excessively addictive, but sometimes you just have to stop talking to epica people and write. Trust me, it seems like a sucky idea at the time, but once you've written something, it gives you a very, very cool feeling of awesomeness :)


I'M NOT SINGLING ONE PERSON OUT! THIS IS FOR EVERYONE! YOU DON'T NEED TO COMMENT ON THIS, YOU JUST NEED TO WRITE! AWAY, MY FELLOW MINIONS! TO YOUR RAVENS!
*coughwritingdeskscough*