Sunday, 30 December 2012
The Ungreat Mortal Who Should Be Forgotten
I spent the morning praying desperately to God to keep my parents away from me; if he could, to please keep my parents away from me forever.
He answered with a no. I knew this as soon as I heard my parents coming up the driveway. Dread filled me as I got up and braced myself. What would I endure from them today? I did not go to church today so they already had ammunition. It was because I had not been feeling well. But they never were interested in that. Whenever they got home it would be more important for them to know if I did anything today. It was the first thing they would ask in their hard cross cold way. Usually I am at a loss for words and very hesitant around them, feeling wounded and guilty, and confused, so they then plow on without waiting for an answer to even that first question which was like firing a gun off at me. Assumptions fall and are like bombs dropping suddenly on me, one after another and I am ripped away before they have been home for 60 seconds. Before I would be all apologetic for just existing and trying to placate them as I followed them around only to be cut off and thrown harsh commands then beat down with still more words as they pick apart all that has not been done, ignoring what has been done then claiming what has been done has not been done. I am nothing I am a disgrace and a shame to the family.
My welfare is never talked about. If it is then it is a complaint and treated with impatience accusations. No one else is ever sick! No one else is blah blah blah! (But they are and they are validated and never have to stand alone)
There is so much more that has hurt me, that does not make sense. Now the only avenue to deal with this is to get put on medication by a doctor.
Why can’t they just do what they play at when at Church and Church functions? Why can’t they just admit when they are wrong and horribly wrong, jerks, and be sorry and start to be kind and nice and honest and not controlling manipulative overbearing, controlling over micro managing, disrespectful hypocritical, demeaning people! Because I am an easy target and nothing but a scape goat.
I have long since given up on trying to get them to love me and see me for what I really am. It’s such hard work and to fail every time is disheartening. It took me a long time to see that when they did this that it was not my fault. I am just unlovely so I must be punished. I wish I was lovely and smart and talented and strong then they could love me too and everyone else. I know I wanted to enjoy them and I gave to them and others what little I had. I wanted to respect and honor them. And I did, and still respect them as it is my duty. I just wish that that even could be honored. I wish I didn’t have to respect people who did nothing to me that was respectful or kind or fair or good; not based on what I have been taught by school, church.
I have been shown over and over that the good I do is really nothing it’s to be ignored and has been. I have tried talking to others and sometimes it seems that I am being listened too and actually believed. But then it is reveled to me that they really think it is only me; that I am being oversensitive. At first I believed this too and had to carry even more weight of not being right in the head, that even my makeup of who I am, my personality was somehow off rather than for the real problem to be addressed. Yet, if that were so, would it not then be consistent in everything? Then I would be off in my thinking with everything else too. Yet I can recall so many instances when I was finding in my heart and mind agreeing with people when they shared how they felt after an experience and I could relate.
I can’t even go on in this subject for the mind twisting that has been put forth onto me even as a young child: a young child vulnerable who was so willing to trust and believe those put over her and had to endure such severe mind twisting, overwhelmed, alarmed, feeling a sense of urgent loss, that something is being ripped form her and something awful is being put on her, not able to understand or identified or know but unable to comprehend anymore and her mind short circuiting, because it must be her fault right? It can’t be that they are wrong. If they are wrong in what they said then that means that is how much they hate her, to do that to her. But what she cannot face that, even if that were true, that she was deserving of that, then she is indeed a monster not deserving any kindness or love at all anyway. Instead the little girl, in a fight for survival, buries the huge pain that has come crushing down to the very most inner parts of her soul and distracts herself quickly, looking for anything to take her away from the pain. It takes a bit as sobs from the very depths of her soul are being stifled and she sees her parents looking satisfied in her pain and vindicated at what they did, and knows from experience they will needle her some more if she does not hurry and stifle the tears of the deep soul pain that ripped her appear once again.
If she is lucky she will no longer be screamed at by not just one or two towering adults who in their power and extreme hardness with hate that beams from their faces and burn worse than fire when directed at her as they continue to run over her with false accusations making her wear and be those terrible things they rushed to believed themselves without ever stopping to consider the facts or remember.
It is all waved away so easily by more condescending adults who play at compassion and play church and other little games.
I can’t even begin to mention anymore the fear of being hit or slapped or the threats of that.
I am having such trouble existing now. It is so hard. I am tired. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
So now here I am once again filled with such tenseness, wary of those who were supposed to protect, guide, comfort, help me, discipline me fairly, who did anything but that and wondering, what will I have to bare next? Why won’t God help me?
Posted by Kallista Pendragon- The Beautiful Zombie Queen and Thief in Black at 18:46