Friday, 15 November 2013
My mind, once bright, falls into the pits of everlasting hell.
Right there before me is the face of a monster. That which is so grotesque in nature that I am appalled to even glance at it further. But I hold its gaze. No turning, I fear I cannot.
Whichever way I move, it follows. Whatever sound I make, it repeats. And again and again through days end.
Yet it always feels as night. A bubbling cloak that one cannot shed; no matter the amount of light that's spread.
I realize it wouldn't matter. There are shadows even under the sun.
And then this beast begins to look familiar, and it would seem that I have become familiar to it.
Never mind, ignore it.
Years later and it is the same thing. It is now that it feels like the beast has burdened my shoulders with steadfast weights. And I am stuck in it, but all I can ever see is the beast.
When it is that I try my hardest to escape, it feels that this prison holds me tightest. And in this moment, despite the beasts presence, I am alone. And it is this that makes the fight unbearable, and perhaps this is why I feel like shattered glass.
A few years later and I realize that the beast is me.
But, how do you escape yourself?
...A few years later...
And what have I become?
So, ya. I guess I posted this story here because I feel safer doing so. I've been suffering with depression for years now. And it's why I'm not on much. I don't really write anymore, and I don't really read. I've stopped caring about so many things. I mean, I was suicidal at one point in my life, but I never stopped caring about the things I've always held closest to my heart. And the there is the fact that I hate myself more often then not, and I hate everything I do. I guess I'm posting this because I finally decided to get help. Because I'm tired, and I've realized that I can't fix myself. Even the mightiest fall, but I was never strong to begin with. So hopefully therapy works, because god knows I need it.
Miss Mary Hiashi
P.S. Sorry for the depressing post. My apologies!