Friday, 15 November 2013

Throughout my life, all I ever did was fall...

My mind, once bright, falls into the pits of everlasting hell. 

Right there before me is the face of a monster. That which is so grotesque in nature that I am appalled to even glance at it further. But I hold its gaze. No turning, I fear I cannot.

Whichever way I move, it follows. Whatever sound I make, it repeats. And again and again through days end.

Yet it always feels as night. A bubbling cloak that one cannot shed; no matter the amount of light that's spread.

I realize it wouldn't matter. There are shadows even under the sun.

And then this beast begins to look familiar, and it would seem that I have become familiar to it.

Never mind, ignore it.

Years later and it is the same thing. It is now that it feels like the beast has burdened my shoulders with steadfast weights. And I am stuck in it, but all I can ever see is the beast. 

When it is that I try my hardest to escape, it feels that this prison holds me tightest. And in this moment, despite the beasts presence, I am alone. And it is this that makes the fight unbearable, and perhaps this is why I feel like shattered glass.

A few years later and I realize that the beast is me. 

But, how do you escape yourself?


...A few years later...

And what have I become?






<~~~~~~>

So, ya. I guess I posted this story here because I feel safer doing so. I've been suffering with depression for years now. And it's why I'm not on much. I don't really write anymore, and I don't really read. I've stopped caring about so many things. I mean, I was suicidal at one point in my life, but I never stopped caring about the things I've always held closest to my heart. And the there is the fact that I hate myself more often then not, and I hate everything I do. I guess I'm posting this because I finally decided to get help. Because I'm tired, and I've realized that I can't fix myself. Even the mightiest fall, but I was never strong to begin with. So hopefully therapy works, because god knows I need it.

Blessed be,
Miss Mary Hiashi

P.S. Sorry for the depressing post. My apologies!

4 comments:

  1. MAAAAAAAAAAAAARY! *hugs tightly and forever* I am so happy and delighted to see you.
    I don't see this as a depressing post but one of hope. You may not have felt strong, but you have been. It took courage and strength to write this post!
    I do hope you begin writing, drawing, and reading again. But 1st things first. I am glad you are going to get help. I suffered (and continue) to suffer from severe depression and anxiety. It took a lot of time, but after getting help and being on meds, I am finally seeing an improvement. I would keep a journal of your feelings and thoughts. I did, but did not write in it every day, or when I did, it sometimes was just a sentence or two. I wrote down my raw feelings.
    We love you Mary and hope you let us become part of your support as you get some help.
    What ever happens, hold on to life sister. I know at times the pain is so bad. But keep on hanging on for we are rooting for you and someday I want the chance to be able to hug you in person (and to noogie you too....gently of course)
    Keep me posted of how you are doing Mary. I will try to be on more often. God knows that I want to be! You and the others are some of my most favorite people in all the world!

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  2. *hugs*

    It is so good to hear from you again! I am glad that you posted, revived this old blog a little. We miss you a lot and although I can't speak from experience, I think that you are very brave to get help. Because it means that you haven't given up.

    It was lovely to hear from you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ~hugs Mary~
    I'm glad you posted! I know I am very late replying xD
    Alas, I haven't been keeping up with many peoples' posts, but I saw this one today and absolutely had to read it.
    ~hugs again~
    I know it isn't much, but we are always here, Mary. Always. You can find us, and we'll be there.

    ReplyDelete
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